i'm starting to feel like being sober is the worst decision in my life.
it's like ever since all of this dui stuff...everything in life is getting worse. my freakin heart is breaking and it's not just because of the boy(who has started to pull away..) but everything. i'm going into survival mode. i just want to escape....n never come back. i don't want to be with my family..or lack there of...and i don't want to be around any of my friends..because none of them really understand. i have this wall up and i hide behind it like everything is okay and i can't even imagine letting someone else in. i tried that and look where i'm at now.. sitting here on my bed crying writing this stupid blog. a blog that probably NO ONE is going to read, but at the end i will hopefully feel better, after i write it.
i miss the beginning of this year with my best friends and how it was so easy to just hang out and be young. i miss my best friend. i miss shannon more than i can ever explain. i miss the beginning of my relationship with zai..when everything was so easy and he would kiss me all the time and just tell me all these stories about his childhood.. i miss having a better relationship with my mom and her just letting me live my life. i miss my puppy that got stolen, although i am thankful for his daughter. i miss not working and having practically no stress. i miss cooking and cleaning on tuesdays. i miss so much...all of that seems unattainable right now.
i'm so tired all the time and i feel empty. i don't have time for my friends. stupid bitches are always in my business and it's irritating because i don't even have time to defend myself. i don't have time to talk about what's really going on and i still don't have time to even think. i get forced to deal with everything at the end of the night so that means i have no time to sleep.
i just don't want to do any of this anymore...i quit.
only i can't quit because everything that is happening right now is part of my growth as a person and i need to keep pushing thru and find better methods...i just feel like the lack of support and my strength slipping away.
-b
