finally..

i've decided to just let go...

i'm so tired of all this built up emotion and aggression. there's so much that has happened in the last year that isn't positive and instead of working thru it, i've been so wrapped up in what's wrong and what i can't fix..so like so many times before..i'm going to make a change. i feel like 2010 was the year of change and guess what..

2011 is going to be my year of happiness. no matter what happens i'm going to keep a smile and light heart. i can't handle all of this frustration and stress..the worst of the storm has passed and it's time to just grow from it and enjoy my life. i've been doing a lot of crying, reflecting, and blah blah blah..

what i need more than anything is laughter and happiness..the feelings that i used to take for granted..what makes people love me..gotta get ME back. I've been SO.. and when i say SO..i mean it.. wrapped up in my issues and it's starting to wear down on me.

the first step?
i started working out again and my body has this love/hate relationship with me. she loves to be lazy and hates to work..buuut...she also loves to look good..so i'm no longer feeding into the laziness.. i've got a lot on my agenda..just add it to the list..i'm gonna need to be healthy to get everything done.

i'm listening to cartel right now and i always forget why i like them so much. i'm not sure why, because their music is quality.. i guess i get obsessed with rap for months at a time and then i put my pod on shuffle and cupcake is GOOD. she always has my subconscious in mind. such a lovely addition to my electronic collection. and now what?? Gwen Stefani just jumped in my head..it's Shannon and i...love me love me.. hhaha. damn.

miss her.

it's all good though...she's also part of the reason i can no longer be sad. she'd be soooo upset with me right now. i'm sure we would have taken a road trip and just danced on the beach all alone with the birds i hate so much, just for her. crazy how much you can love someone..make you do shit u hate..haha. i really wish she was still here..things would be so different... she loved almost everything..except worms and bugs..who could blame her though..grossness. anyways..point being she wouldn't put up with what i've been dishing the last few months..she wants me happy and carefree..i'm 21 and healthy..for the most part..and there's no reason i should have this stress level. a DUI is nothing but some paperwork and slight obligation. and in the future..however far that extends...this wont matter..these fines and court ish wont matter..FOCUS. she spoke to me last night, not like a literal vision..more like she showed me through a series of memories.. i got it..damnit..shannon mercedes i love you.

smooches.

anyways..this is my scatterbrained entry.
"runaway"-cartel is playing in my head right now.
<3
-b

horoscope

"Your current projects are more important than potentials or prospects right now -- so focus on the real and get back to dreamland some other day. You should avoid taking risks of any kind."-libra horoscope 11/15/2010

make it work.

lateley i've been so removed and just hurtful. i'm not sure why i can't just let things work themselves..it's not like i acutally think it's going to work..i just want it to. this whole process of moving on and letting go of the pass seems impossible. there are so many reasons to just keep holding on and then one little thing makes me want to be done and this song popped in my head today..

You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately thats enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
Thats a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

neyo is such a good lyricist. i think he has a song for almost everything. just think of an emotion and he's conveying it to something that will make you feel better. crazy..but i'm so glad he's a part of my musical library. i'd really just stress myself into a stuper without music. man o man..i've got to get it together.

i wasn't meaning for this to be a long entry but now i feel like really writing. i'm at work and my shift will be up in hour and fourty-five minutes...i still have some homework to do and i'll start that in a bit. just wanted to tap into my daily life for a sec.

i'm going stir-crazy...what i really mean is i'm going sober-crazy. my emotions are off the wall and it's like a halmark channel in my apartment. i'm going freakin nuts. i can feel myself getting super ridiculous and i'm incapable of stopping it. all i ever do is cry and cause huge problems. i feel like everything i do is not enough and the smallest goals i set seem unattainable. i feel like i'm stuck in a downward frenzy..the worst part of all of this is that i'm slowly ruining my relationships..as i'm trying to build them, they are starting to tear at the seams..i'm getting really frustrated with this emotional rollercoaster.

with that said, i'm going to continue with making moves to improvment. i already started with waking up in better moods but that's starting to get harder with my sad nights..so i guess improving my mood all together will help this process out. i don't know why everything is working against eachother..i used to be like a well-oiled machine..now it's like all my parts are crashing together and i'm in a major system malfunction/overload...got to get it together..

anyways, the reason i chose this song is because it's helping me get through the issues arising in my relationship. i don't like to be so open about my personal relations with him..but i think this type of theraphy is the only kind that is going to help..he's trying his hardest to understand that i'm going through so much and he is also helping me a tremendous amount. it's part of why we're being ripped apart. i'm so happy that he's in my life..i can't compare him to any other person i've ever been with..that's so good..and i can't even imagine bringing someone else into my life..he's more than what i ever thought he could be to me. we have issues, just like anyone else and i wouldn't take that away because if it were perfect then something would be wrong..that's usually how it works. our main problem is communication and misplaced judgment. we keep thinking one means something and the other means something else and when something is going on..it's hard to tell which way to approach each other. we both miss the very beginning..the laying around doing nothing and movies all the time. i really miss just laying in bed all day kissing and talking...the dumb stuff that you take for granted..like being happy and not caring about all the other stuff...now that we've decided to really start caring about each other...it's getting hard. we know how well we go together and what it is that we appreciate about each other...that's what's making us fight so hard to stay together...

what we're going to accomplish is a refreshed and renewed relationship with happiness and kindness. i need for things to be more carefree and light..all this heavy is going to shatter everything we've built so far. blah blah blah.

i'm sure you get it now...and i want to thank you for reading since i feel better after typing all of this at work..now i feel less stressed.

xx
-b