a lot.

i'm starting to feel like being sober is the worst decision in my life.

it's like ever since all of this dui stuff...everything in life is getting worse. my freakin heart is breaking and it's not just because of the boy(who has started to pull away..) but everything. i'm going into survival mode. i just want to escape....n never come back. i don't want to be with my family..or lack there of...and i don't want to be around any of my friends..because none of them really understand. i have this wall up and i hide behind it like everything is okay and i can't even imagine letting someone else in. i tried that and look where i'm at now.. sitting here on my bed crying writing this stupid blog. a blog that probably NO ONE is going to read, but at the end i will hopefully feel better, after i write it.

i miss the beginning of this year with my best friends and how it was so easy to just hang out and be young. i miss my best friend. i miss shannon more than i can ever explain. i miss the beginning of my relationship with zai..when everything was so easy and he would kiss me all the time and just tell me all these stories about his childhood.. i miss having a better relationship with my mom and her just letting me live my life. i miss my puppy that got stolen, although i am thankful for his daughter. i miss not working and having practically no stress. i miss cooking and cleaning on tuesdays. i miss so much...all of that seems unattainable right now.

i'm so tired all the time and i feel empty. i don't have time for my friends. stupid bitches are always in my business and it's irritating because i don't even have time to defend myself. i don't have time to talk about what's really going on and i still don't have time to even think. i get forced to deal with everything at the end of the night so that means i have no time to sleep.

i just don't want to do any of this anymore...i quit.

only i can't quit because everything that is happening right now is part of my growth as a person and i need to keep pushing thru and find better methods...i just feel like the lack of support and my strength slipping away.

-b

finally..

i've decided to just let go...

i'm so tired of all this built up emotion and aggression. there's so much that has happened in the last year that isn't positive and instead of working thru it, i've been so wrapped up in what's wrong and what i can't fix..so like so many times before..i'm going to make a change. i feel like 2010 was the year of change and guess what..

2011 is going to be my year of happiness. no matter what happens i'm going to keep a smile and light heart. i can't handle all of this frustration and stress..the worst of the storm has passed and it's time to just grow from it and enjoy my life. i've been doing a lot of crying, reflecting, and blah blah blah..

what i need more than anything is laughter and happiness..the feelings that i used to take for granted..what makes people love me..gotta get ME back. I've been SO.. and when i say SO..i mean it.. wrapped up in my issues and it's starting to wear down on me.

the first step?
i started working out again and my body has this love/hate relationship with me. she loves to be lazy and hates to work..buuut...she also loves to look good..so i'm no longer feeding into the laziness.. i've got a lot on my agenda..just add it to the list..i'm gonna need to be healthy to get everything done.

i'm listening to cartel right now and i always forget why i like them so much. i'm not sure why, because their music is quality.. i guess i get obsessed with rap for months at a time and then i put my pod on shuffle and cupcake is GOOD. she always has my subconscious in mind. such a lovely addition to my electronic collection. and now what?? Gwen Stefani just jumped in my head..it's Shannon and i...love me love me.. hhaha. damn.

miss her.

it's all good though...she's also part of the reason i can no longer be sad. she'd be soooo upset with me right now. i'm sure we would have taken a road trip and just danced on the beach all alone with the birds i hate so much, just for her. crazy how much you can love someone..make you do shit u hate..haha. i really wish she was still here..things would be so different... she loved almost everything..except worms and bugs..who could blame her though..grossness. anyways..point being she wouldn't put up with what i've been dishing the last few months..she wants me happy and carefree..i'm 21 and healthy..for the most part..and there's no reason i should have this stress level. a DUI is nothing but some paperwork and slight obligation. and in the future..however far that extends...this wont matter..these fines and court ish wont matter..FOCUS. she spoke to me last night, not like a literal vision..more like she showed me through a series of memories.. i got it..damnit..shannon mercedes i love you.

smooches.

anyways..this is my scatterbrained entry.
"runaway"-cartel is playing in my head right now.
<3
-b

horoscope

"Your current projects are more important than potentials or prospects right now -- so focus on the real and get back to dreamland some other day. You should avoid taking risks of any kind."-libra horoscope 11/15/2010

make it work.

lateley i've been so removed and just hurtful. i'm not sure why i can't just let things work themselves..it's not like i acutally think it's going to work..i just want it to. this whole process of moving on and letting go of the pass seems impossible. there are so many reasons to just keep holding on and then one little thing makes me want to be done and this song popped in my head today..

You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately thats enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
Thats a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

neyo is such a good lyricist. i think he has a song for almost everything. just think of an emotion and he's conveying it to something that will make you feel better. crazy..but i'm so glad he's a part of my musical library. i'd really just stress myself into a stuper without music. man o man..i've got to get it together.

i wasn't meaning for this to be a long entry but now i feel like really writing. i'm at work and my shift will be up in hour and fourty-five minutes...i still have some homework to do and i'll start that in a bit. just wanted to tap into my daily life for a sec.

i'm going stir-crazy...what i really mean is i'm going sober-crazy. my emotions are off the wall and it's like a halmark channel in my apartment. i'm going freakin nuts. i can feel myself getting super ridiculous and i'm incapable of stopping it. all i ever do is cry and cause huge problems. i feel like everything i do is not enough and the smallest goals i set seem unattainable. i feel like i'm stuck in a downward frenzy..the worst part of all of this is that i'm slowly ruining my relationships..as i'm trying to build them, they are starting to tear at the seams..i'm getting really frustrated with this emotional rollercoaster.

with that said, i'm going to continue with making moves to improvment. i already started with waking up in better moods but that's starting to get harder with my sad nights..so i guess improving my mood all together will help this process out. i don't know why everything is working against eachother..i used to be like a well-oiled machine..now it's like all my parts are crashing together and i'm in a major system malfunction/overload...got to get it together..

anyways, the reason i chose this song is because it's helping me get through the issues arising in my relationship. i don't like to be so open about my personal relations with him..but i think this type of theraphy is the only kind that is going to help..he's trying his hardest to understand that i'm going through so much and he is also helping me a tremendous amount. it's part of why we're being ripped apart. i'm so happy that he's in my life..i can't compare him to any other person i've ever been with..that's so good..and i can't even imagine bringing someone else into my life..he's more than what i ever thought he could be to me. we have issues, just like anyone else and i wouldn't take that away because if it were perfect then something would be wrong..that's usually how it works. our main problem is communication and misplaced judgment. we keep thinking one means something and the other means something else and when something is going on..it's hard to tell which way to approach each other. we both miss the very beginning..the laying around doing nothing and movies all the time. i really miss just laying in bed all day kissing and talking...the dumb stuff that you take for granted..like being happy and not caring about all the other stuff...now that we've decided to really start caring about each other...it's getting hard. we know how well we go together and what it is that we appreciate about each other...that's what's making us fight so hard to stay together...

what we're going to accomplish is a refreshed and renewed relationship with happiness and kindness. i need for things to be more carefree and light..all this heavy is going to shatter everything we've built so far. blah blah blah.

i'm sure you get it now...and i want to thank you for reading since i feel better after typing all of this at work..now i feel less stressed.

xx
-b

i miss you

michelle carabajal- vata locas

21

it's my birthday and i expect a bunch of voice mails and texts.

i got 'em (:

so i went out at midnight on my birthday and that was a different type of experience..not only did i not taste the patron.. i drank it like freakin water. what is it with that stuff? i managed to make it all the way to 21 with only one black out experience. i'm 21 for 2 hours and i can't remember leaving the last club and getting in the car. (didn't drive) and then friday i remember walking to the car, but not getting in it.. guess the car is my safe zone..hmm.

i love going out, but not as much as i thought i would when i was 16. it's cool, but i've been a drunkard for a long time haa. i wish there were pictures, however i am a connoisseur of telephones and i made a conscience decision to leave my phone in the car. kudos for me to not act super crazy either. danced when i said i was NOT going to do that lol..it was fun though.

*sad note*
had to let nu get on that plane. without a doubt one of my favorite people i've met in the last year and is really about his word. i'm sad he had to dip, not to say i don't understand...glad he could be there for my 21st..we did it so big, and i can't WAIT to go to NY to visit that guy.. i'm hopin for New Years...

i don't have much to say about this blog..only patron is a tricky tricky tricky tequila.

this girl at my school told me: "brit, you can't forget that patron is tequila. what does that do? think about it."
haha
i did forget and now i know. still gonna throw 'em back thou.

love all y'all
-b

rap it to me, please..

i'm loyal to neo-soul and the lovely harmonious r&b..african-american people have such a different take on music as a whole. have you ever sat and just experienced world music? i'm talking real drums and wooden flutes? i went to a live concert at NAU once when i lived there and it was euphoric. i can't explain to you the feeling that sub comes you. live music is always better than the radio or headphones blocking reality...but this is even better. the words are often mumbled but it's more about the message you receive through the instruments. if you only listen to music that's up to date and you want to experience a world music-y vibe..go ahead and pop in NAS and DAMIAN MARLEY..they have a couple good ones.
nipsey hussle.

hussle is my last name...i wish. this is my favorite rapper right now. thank you so much zai. i wouldn't have been a fan if it weren't for him. he's really brought me to a different, for lack of a better term, understanding of rap music. i love it so much and i'm still learning about it every day...this artist, nipsey hussle is the up and coming for the rap game representing the west coast. everyone keep your eyes open and your ears clean, this guy is crazy!! euphoric feeling i was typing about earlier..yeah you feel this with nipsey. he makes you feel like you're watching an old movie..like back when ice cube and biggie..pac...all of 'em. he tells stories. you've got to download bullets have no name vol 1-3. you really wont regret it. go to www.datpiff.com and invest you're time. his album drops SOON so def catch up before you're behind.

j.cole.
this is where hope in hip hop comes evervesent..j.cole is something different for our generation. not like drake, even though people like to compare the light complexion and chiseled faces..these guys are not the same. j.cole brings something that we haven't heard since jay-z was in his 20s and music was really relatable. he has this talent that hasn't been exposed in a while. i'm not a believer in current music. i only listen to classic rap. i'm talking more about spoken word like Mos Def or Common..Kanye has to be the "current" rapper of our generation that kind of represents where we are. however, j.cole is something new, refreshing, different and awesome.i really recommend you get the mix tape and absorb every ounce. i can't say there is one song i don't enjoy..i don't skip anything nd i love the way he raps. favorite song? i'm so glad you asked. i can't honestly pick just one. i really enjoy "can't cry" and "lights out" has to be one of the realest songs about females...these little scallywags. haha. i will not "gas" up j.cole anymore..i just want you (readers) to be aware of the future of rap.

this was a random. these guys just so happen to be the most and almost only musicians that get recent play in my pod..i don't do much with other current music other than skip it on pandora and the radio. don't mean to be rude, BUT (which cancels everything in front of it) current music sucks. i will be posting a blog about the future of music...which i hope my predictions are true. i'm getting back into the groove of things which means my inspiration of a musical blog will be in the making. it had it's flaws before, but i've grown from that experience.

put god first.
-b

some changes

i've been spending a lot of time just trying to write about what i think i should be. i'm going through some sort of emotional break-through, only i'm feeling helpless. it's more like i'm tearing everything a part. i can't even pin point where it comes from each time it happens. i'll be sitting in a room by myself and then all of a sudden i get hit in the face with tears. i'll feel sad, hurt, angry and any other emotion i've lacked in the last two-three years. i can't handle quiet areas because that's when it comes into effect. i'm in treatment because of my dui and we're making this oath to stay sober. i'm not going to stop drinking because i was put into counseling for my use of weed. i'm going to give it up for the ten weeks because i need to prove it to myself more than anyone that i can stop and i don't need it to be happy.

such a huge/loaded word..happy.

in treatment yesterday, our team lead-can't remember her name- was really digging deeper into why we're there and what's the underlining reason that put us into the situations that ultimately control our actions. i must admit that i didn't keep it real from the beginning and i think it's because i thought everyone was going to judge me and then i realized this type of group therapy isn't like that at all. everyone took turns releasing the deeper meanings of what led to daily drinking or "using" is the term they'd like us to refer to. digging deep down just made everyone realize that it's pain or acceptance which all leads to one area- emotions.

am i happy? that's one of the questions they want us to ask ourselves as we are gathering with friends and family and again when we go to "use". ironic that zai asked me the same question a few weeks ago. it seems surreal how he can see right through me. if he knew i was writing about him...he'd probably get a little irritated. i don't care though, because he has to know that somewhere in the midst of conversation and bonding that i really look up to him as a strong and talented man. he might be crazy, but so am i, and a little strange and that's some of why i can't handle being unhappy with life when he's around. i often say "for the most part, i'm happy..." blah blah blah..however, i'm not. digging to the deep below..that locked up box inside of my rib cage, built around my heart, has all of my emotions pushed in and it's like a closet bursting with junk. you know what's in there but you don't dare open it because everything it contains will make it's way, in an avalanche fashion, out and all over you. another term..opening up the flood gates. the only reaction that seems to sum up all of it is to just cry. i must admit that this crying thing doesn't help me much these days. at a younger age i could cry all my problems away, but now i have to deal with these problems head-on. another reason growing up sucks!

back to where this realization came from..treatment. i ask myself a few questions everyday. let me give you some insight.
am i happy?
what am i doing?
where am i going?
do i need these things?
am i making progress?
what is my process?
why can't i fix this?
why can't i let go?
where did everyone go?
why can't i sleep?

there are times when i feel like all of these questions aren't going to help me at all and then i went to treatment on Saturday and learned that i'm not the only person that goes through this on a daily basis..more than once a day. i knew that, i just needed to accept it and see it. funny because the lead went on to say that she's all about preventative maintenance. which is one of the best terms i've learned in the last two years. i have created a system that reminds me of my priorities and due dates of things n such.. you know a schedule. lol. it helps out my life so much and i don't leave with out it, if i do then i have a simple back up on my phone. i'm hoping i can change my behavior a smidgen so that i can get pass this negative stance in my life.

another focal point? exercise. starting today it's my new addiction. instead of every chance i get to smoke..it's going to be every chance i get to work out. i'm sick all the time and i'm allergic to everything so sitting in the house and not doing much is only going to increase my chances of getting sick when i do want to do things. i notice that every time i get into a routine workout i feel amazing and most of the illness subsides and i just have to deal with the nose..and i feel sluggish and unimportant. i need something to boost my self esteem and drive. i know i don't have time for anything but i do have time for this. this is something i've got to work into my schedule everyday. even if that means only one hour of the two available between work and school is devoted to working out. this is the type of thing we talked about in treatment. making yourself better with the time that you normally spend making yourself in image of where you want to be or to put yourself off.

i really wish i would have brought my homework...

i'm drinking coffee now..probably because i just want to sleep all day long and it's the motivation to stay at work right now, besides the money. lol..i've got to release some of these things to get my world back on it's axis. it's like i've some how messed up the orbit and now it's spinning out of control. what i really need is a canvas..like 16x20 with some nice brushes and some water color...just give me an entire day that i can just release all of this on to that..maybe that's what i really need. because this current tornado of emotions is about to break through my barriers and just tear me apart. i think this could be my birthday present to myself..some supplies..yup. i'm going to look that up today because it's so slow at work.

ONE TIME for my mother who brought me into this world 10 days early so i could enjoy my bday next week! i'm so excited and i hope that this birthday brings some more maturity and ready-ness for a change in my life. i can't wait to just be 21..maybe this will help things with some of my current set backs..

my goal for this week?
in my head i place a goal for each week. this week is to bring balance to all situations in my life. i'm going to see my mom today and i know that will make me feel better..also i have got to put in some extra elbow grease with zai and all these emotions. i can't let the past influence the way i'm handling the present and my current journey to the future. this has got to make sense with what moves i'm making now and it's not happening for me. that's in my hands and i've got to take control. i'm sounding very driven right now and maybe because as i type this i can feel the nervous insecurity with my decsion which makes me want to accomplish this so much. i know that the actions that i've been making aren't the right ones and i need to make a change to salvage what i've accomplished. i need to get rid of this self-destructive place inside of me and hold on to what matters most. deep huh? kinda. lol

thanks for reading..whoever you random non-followers and some of you faithful non followers as well and to those who i hope read.

put god first..

-b

keeping quiet.

LETS THINK POSITIVE.

If we fall, we don't need self-recrimination or blame or anger - we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to re-commit, to be whole-hearted once again. Sharon Salzber

I would like to thank Ms. Salzber for helping me center myself today. Lately I've been so busy and all over the place that it's extremely hard for me to just get it all together. I'm starting this new thing right when I wake up. I call it...positive reinforcement. This is what I do to make me look at the day as a gift, that's what it is anyways, and just wake up in a good mood and be happy. I've been reading some inspirational quotes and the one above stands out and there were some others too. One mentioned happiness being who we are not what we are.

Makes me think about all the unhappiness I've been experiencing lately; unhappiness that I could have made into a positive atmosphere. This doesn't frustrate me, it actually makes me want to be a better person. Something changed in the last few months that let little things change my perception of the bigger picture. I've been struggling in relationships and feeling voids when it comes to the people in my life and i don't blame anyone, but I can admit that I start to feel like no one wants to be apart of my life because of the negative vibes. They come from the "fed-up" side of me. The side that makes me so crazy and just DONE with everyone and everything. I have the all or nothing personality type, which can be good..However, when it's bad it's terrible and makes me want to completely shut done and not be apart of anything.

why?

I'm working on answering that and fixing it. I've come to realize that not everyone, or anyone in that matter, can expect anything from me and I from them. That's the first step to calming down and taking this on..head-on. I am going to start by not allowing all of these little things to bother me as much as they do at this point. I'm 20 years young with an old soul and I get caught up in my own mind set, not thinking that the things I think about and do don't always make sense to my peers because I'm before my time. cool. I'm not trippin...there's nothing wrong with being me, I just have to stop trying to make everyone like me...I guess that's what I'm saying...or at least stop trying to give this advice, that I do often, that leads them to a path that I believe is right..which may be wrong for them. It's a learning process.

I was going to say so much more..I decided against that...

Instead, I'm going to wish you a happy weekend and hopeful bliss!

xo
-b

slower slower...slow.

i'm thinking things in my life need to slow down now.(currently lookin up at the ceiling while i'm saying this to myself over and over and over agian..) not quite sure if the big man upstairs is hearing me sometimes. i just need some sort of slight pause on the busy schdule. it's going so fast that i wake up late, maybe because my bed is so comfortable...

back on track..
that should be the title of this blog. i should be back on track, but i'm guessing it's going to take a week or so to get there. stupid old apartment likes to ruin my life and take all my money. don't they know my bday is in 28 days...geez. speaking of 28days...i was watching that movie lastnight..i fell asleep to it, so i'm going to watch it again. i love sandra bullock, she's an awesome actress. anyways, let me get back on track. i have so many things that i need to do along with what i've half done and want to do. ridiculous that there's so much floating around as far as getting stuff done. there's still all these things i need to get for my apartment and this next check is going straight to the rent..guess that's part of being an adult. speaking of adulthood and being on track..the main squeeze informed me that i'm now more grown up than him...mainly because i have a house phone in my name..i'll never use it,but it's there. so i guess i'm growing up before my very own eyes...hmm. i don't know about all of that. what i do know is that adulthood is expensive. another reason i sometimes reminence about highschool...then i bounce back to reality and realize that i enjoy my life now...i did then too though..when things were so cheap and simple and just ignorant..funny how thinking about progress takes you back to when you couldn't fathom exsisting where you are now..
too deep? never too deep.

(sighs to myself because there's so much i want to say about the past)..not for this one though..we'll save that.

my favorite thing about my life?..the fact that the people i'm around are the people i choose to be around...minus school..there are some dummies around me, i'm just doing my best to ignore them and make about my way. i like to go with the boy on movie dates and spend some time with friends, but i'm not much on doing too much. i like it fast when it comes to business and slow when it comes to personal..don't know if that makes me strange..don't care either..

the biggest step so far?..making time for me and being okay with it. i recently had this issue with giving myself a break and really catering to my personal needs, i'm finding that i'm easy going and it's not hard to please me. something i wish i could have made time for before, but i know i wouldn't have appreciated it the same. blessing in disguise. i honestly like the time i have alone in my apartment with nala..i do start to miss company and that's when i get cozy (: (not alone)..by the way..cozy means..well use ur imagination. (:

how's my health?..i'm making progress.. i really need to do more, but as far as my environment...i'm doing well. i have all healthy foods and cleaning products and i'm working towards clensing myself of bad habits. the next step is coming up with a workout plan, that's gonna be the hard part considering i have NO time..but i'm learning my me-time is going to include some of the wellness time each week. gym is down at the apartment and should be up and running soon, until then i guess it's just the basic stuff at home, and just staying on track (;

i guess as far as making my way down the right track, i'm keeping up with people that matter. part of what i mentioned earlier was that i'm not around people, and i don't mean people in general..what i meant was that i've removed some people in my life that have questionable motives for my friendship and i'm learnig how to let go of the ones that just simply let go of me and to stop caring why i wasn't enough for them..mainly because i'm enough for me (:

it's whateva.. i don't chase 'em i replace 'em!
--> biggie y'all get ya mind right.

so i've got about 37 mins left at work and i think i started this at 12 to give me something to do. let me spend some time searching for a good photo to put with it. & i'm tryin to switch up the layout..get something fun..or different...hopefully both.

-b

sunday earnin..

I'm past my third humpday and officially moved into my apartment. I feel like it's taking forever to get things squared away. I'm runnin on broke trying to get everything paid for and set up..just like my customers, i have installation dates and deposits going everywhere. a new couch is due next week and i'm looking forward to some relaxation as soon as the busy dies down a little. i have more than three days to make up for at school. i got to get back on track..fell behind because of the moldy situation at apartment #1. boooo.

I'm at work, incase the title didn't make you aware of that. and today it's about 30 to 45 mins between calls. it might start to pick up once it gets later in the day..i'm hoping. just so i can feel a little busy. when it's not productive i feel like i should be at home...if that makes any sense. but on another note of gettin it in at work..i processed my first price adjustment, which i guess is easy.

lets see...

i feel like i have to blog today because my it's gramp's bday..well it would be, and in memory it is. man i miss him. more than i could ever explain..so i'm not going to try, at least not right now. i'm trying this thing where i push myself into the positive and stop worrying so much about what could or might go wrong. not to say that i won't look ahead for my future, i'm just doing some preventive maintenance. i think i've used that term in a blog before. with that said, i'm looking forward to how this apartment makes me feel and how comfortable i've become just being home. i love it so much. i'll probably never move as long as i'm in arizona. i love my wood floors and my spacious living. i'm not even sure what i would have done with the extra room. i got rid of so much stuff and now i've got room to live. (:

this is what gramps would have wanted me to do..well today he might have wanted to go out to eat and watch some sports and fishing on tv..but he def would be happy to know that i'm happy in my apartment. that matters to me more than anything. i know shannon has got to be like "FINALLY!"!! i'm in school, working, and have my own place. there's always an obstacle, and that's my driving situation. i need to get to those classes so i can get my license back, or just move to new york! those classes keep me out of jail, so i HAVE to take those. i'll miss ten days of my life if i go there again..well 9 days..eww.

i've already been here two and half hours..it feels like 20 mins. i can't even imagine what time it feels like outside of work, that's normally how i feel in the morning. sometimes i think about if i were in school during the day and how far ahead the day students are compared to the nights. man...i need to catch up and get it in. i have kyle at home, so i'm going to do that hair cut today...progress is in my near near future! i just got to get motivated. something that takes a little push from the inner-enthusiastic me. ah.

what else can i possibly keep my hands busy with right now? oh i know. i'm going to give a shoutout to my new bestie at school. a real down native! hah. she's awesome and beautiful. her name is tahleka and there's a picture on facebook floating around of me and her. it's okay though, it's one of those pics where we look like we're meant to be friends (: oh and we noticed that we have the same skintone on thursday..crazy...let me share why i've fallen into solitude with this lady that just so happens to sit next to me!!...she's older than me by a few years, which is always a positive in my book. ms.dixon is a mommy/mommy to be. she's having her son in november!! she also happens to be the funniest girl i've met in a long time. she's from the same state and areas as michelle and she is good at what we do, gotta have a good right hand. i even let home girl color my hair..i'm in the process of going lighter..gotta love that carmel hue up in muh hurr. haha.

okay okay. so i'm not going to talk about the boy or the dog!! i'm not going to talk about lack of friendship lately and i'm surely not going to talk about how broke i'm not! however, i'm going to talk about how my bday is 29 days away!

count down to october 18th is now on the GO!
i've got 29 days to turn 21! and i can't wait!! i'm going to vegas baby!! but i still need to loose some weight and go shopping..that was my goal and i've yet to reach where i want to be..instead i feel like i'm growing!! no bueno. it's happening now. i've got to get my ish together.

xoxo
-b

hump day pt2

it's wednesday again. september 8th to be exact. hmm..just one week away from my last post and i feel alot different--well, until that last call. and then, just like my job always does..i get an awesome customer that i actually enjoy going out of my way for. which isn't really going out of my way..i'm just doing my job-not a lot of people do that. hmm...effort.
what goes around comes around people!
*sigh*
i hate how the "g" is in the word sigh but you don't pronounce it. strange.
anyways. i'm still at work. only for another 39 minutes and i'm just on edge. not the bad kind of on edge, i just have alot of energy. i need to go to the bank, i need to make some payments, and i also need to get things to pack! that reminds me that i have soo much to accomplish by next week!! i move on wednesday. which means i really move on thursday. blessing in disguise that i get my schd changed! i get to move all night wednesday and thursday!! i'm really excited for that..

a whole new chapter.

its 2:04. if you switch it up that's 4:20. hmm..(:
i'm so bored right now and there is this girl at work..i'm tired of seeing her face and smelling the loud purfume she likes to bathe in, yeah I'm rude. i don't care either. she's killin my nose with all that. everyone else too. man o man i need to go..i have soo much to do today and i know it's ridic outside with the heat. when i got off work yesterday it was 107 and climbing. gross. she's still here..her laugh sucks too.. that always ruins the possibility of a co-piolt. if your laugh sucks i can't be me around you. i don't want to hear your cackle.

i must despise her becaus i just went on a rant.
*snapping out of it*

i'm so proud of me, btw (:. i'm learning so much in school and i do great on everything!! i did a take home test and that has been the only thing that i'm worried about...

well i'm about to be out!!
xoxo
-b

hump day

i always feel like if this day goes by fast then i can really look forward to friday. fridays because saturdays are consumed by school. i actually miss the days when i didn't work and school was an option..last year. however, i don't miss the non productive situation i was in. i was unhappy below the visable bliss and i was stuck in a living situation that i thought would drive me to a mass homicide. my days are looking up now though. i have a job, in my second week of school, and i move into my apartment in 14days. my brand new 1bd, 800sq feet apartment. i'm so in love with it and i can't wait. all black appliances and a washer and dryer for a good deal..something i thought was impossible was just around the corner. all i needed was some ambition and focus. geez.

hump day is going pretty quick. i started this blog around 7:30 and it's 9:02..in the am.. (: work is going pretty quick and that's never a bad thing. my week started off so good that i'm really excited about this weekend. next week is going to be so much that i need for this week to run smoothly.

the apartment is the main focus right now. i have only 2 full weeks from today to actually pack and get everything set up. lets see my agenda..
1. pack
2. pack some more
3. set up my electric account
4. set up my renter's insurance
5. pay my move in/get keys
6. paint
7. move all my big stuff
8. unpack

i guess i have a lot to do, just to move. that doesn't include the outline due tonight and the many hair cuts that i have to perform in the next four 1/2 weeks for school. it's not a hassle though, i love being busy. i hate idle time, i've found that's not the life for me. it makes me sluggish and gain weight. now that i have things to do i'm losing weight and gaining purpose. it's awesome. the only not so awesome thing in my life lately are my fines. they take ALL my money...which is a huge bummer. but it's a responsibility i have to take care of. i'm going to get it all out of the way soon that way i can just focus on school and getting pass all of the bs. i'm good.

speaking, well writing, of good! i got a 100% on my practical lastnight. 0 degree hair cut. all one lenght around the entire head. took me longer than some other people but it was clean and the style looked on point. i was pretty excited because i really got it looking perfect. it makes me ten times more excited about school...didn't think that was possible. already 2 weeks into class and it feels like i just started yesterday. we've done two hair cuts and i feel more confident that i'm doing the right thing. i do need to keep my focus a little more and get my homework done before i go to class..i guess everyone needs to do that..(:

as soon as i get these tiny things taken care of everything else will fall into place. i need some r&r.

did i mention it's the first of the month? fresssh start (:

xoxo
<3

odd

i chose this picture of Adele because it's reflective to the title. she's odd..and so am i. however, her voice is what is getting me through some hard times right now. not that i can say i know all of her music, i definitely know enough to recognize the beauty and strength she possess. besides all that i respect her music.


so i title this odd because i'm not sure where i'm going with this. grammar is not important because i'm at work. it seems like today is just a translucent wave of emotions crashing down on me. typical friday the 13th? i have no idea. every other suspicious myth just goes in one ear and out the other..so i thought. i don't split poles and i don't say anything i wouldn't want to happen. when i do i find some authentic wood to knock on repetitively. weird. i don't enjoy black cats and do throw the salt over my back from time to time. what's this all mean? i don't know.

there's been so so much going on in my life lately. i got a DUI and i would be all "to myself" about it, but i'm finding that hiding things only cause more grief..something i don't need. i also recently started working and school starts in two weeks...i guess what i'm saying is i have one more week of not so busy days and then i'm so busy i can't see straight. that's what i enjoy though..busy as a bee.. it only seems like i should be. i can't stand doing nothing. i've done nothing for so long that it's becoming really hard to get into the groove of doing something. lazy is so easy(: now i'm experiencing the downfall of that..getting my life together.-i would put haha, but this is serious. lets see..the other things are that of a man to woman inner battle..if that makes sense. I'm simply trying to make sense of my life right now. Make some goals and reach them. It's a nice step towards progress and prospeirity.


let me explain that last one..
you see there is this man in my life and i fancy him. i just hope that i'm not too crazy for him. lately my life has been so torn and damaged that it's so hard to maintain friendships..forget relationships..or so i thought. i really enjoy this one. he's funny, sweet, complicated, caring, talented, driven, self efficient, and so much more. it's ODD how picky i am and how much he falls in and out of exactly what i need. we're awesome friends and that's what we're building on right now. the hardest part is everyone else..isn't that always it when you have relationships with people. it feels like people would rather see damage than happiness..confuses me. there's so many stories and complication(not the good kind) that goes into damage. i don't really like that word. ANYWAYS . i'm finding that staying to myself and not indulging in other people is what is best for me. the people that deserve to be apart of my life and i theirs are just popping up. it's ironic because they never left. crazy how one guy can show me what's right in front of my face. probably why we keep our friendship in front of our relationship. makes things better.

so. i hate to write like this but i am at work so my thoughts are scattered. i went to lunch with him and he definitely brought me some piece of mind. today has been so much and i'm not sure why i can't seem to get a hold of myself. just got good news though..my good friend is in town. one of my best friends...i haven't seen her in a while and i'm excited to be spending time with her in two hours time..

jumping screens is driving me crazy. actually everything is driving me crazy. maybe the main thing being that i'm 20...almost 21(:(:..and i can't drive myself around because of one event less night. a dui really sucks. i got the worst as far as suspension for a first offense goes. i got a full year vs the 3 to 6 months. typical me to have the worst luck with getting in trouble..hmm..maybe that's the point. i don't know or really care for that matter..i'm still feeling sort of sour about the whole matter. this whole fiasco that they'd like to call my life..they being the people that i believe(have faith) are watching me..ie shannon and gramps..just so happens to be a massive circus. a circus that tickets seem to reach a high rate and i'm not getting reimbursed anytime soon. i wish i were. in the end i'm seeing the bright teal (my color of choice because i do not favor the color white too much) light at the end of the tunnel. until i reach it, i'm going to just let that beautiful bluish aura to just shine on me. i need some brightness in this chaos. until then..i'm going to approve my time card so i can make that PAPER on thursday. ya heard.

-b

no title

silly picture, i knnow. i'm at work and it's lunch time..actually it's not lunch time for me. my lunch time is from 10 to around 11...only thirty mins though.
draaag.i get off at 2:30 and it's 1:51. in 30 mins it will be about 10 before i get off work. hmm..i think i'm scamming the system. i'm not trying to..i just work through my break everyday and today i need it. i have been really stressed out and sick and all that so i've decided to double up on the blogs. this one i started a few weeks ago so i'm gonna finish it up. okay.

i'm experiencing a self absorbed stage in my life. all i seem to talk about or think about is myself. not like me, but much like my mother. it's pissing me off. my new goal for the rest of my life is to stop this fuckery. i'm really tired of saying "I" so much. it seems like it would be an easy task but it's not. it's not like i'm a selfish person, i do alot for everyone and i'm constantly trying to do more. i've painted myself in a corner because of it and the theory that has risen in my mind is that selfish needs to be on my agenda for a little. not sure if i agree with me though. viewing others while i speak brings quick irritation in my own head, if that makes sense. i can see how the conversation moves to all about me and then i quickly shut up and let the other person speak. believe me, i'm tired of hearing about my life too..i live and experience it. it's the constant interst of others that feeds the conversation.

is it that i'm interesting?

i don't think so. i go to school like everyone else and i also work, like a lot of people i know..mainly everyone at school and work. hmm..so what makes me so different that most of my conversations consist of my life. such a huge transition from what it used to be..a constant concern of others and their lives and well being to now. now everyone is concerned about me and my well being and my daily life. hmm..

maybe i just made a break through. maybe it's not that i'm selfish..maybe it's because i do have a lot going on, personally, and i need to express myself. however, i'm going to shut up unless i'm asked. i'm so sick of hearing my own voice and it's got to be an issue if i'm blogging about it. i know i'm strange, but even know i'm seeing how much i type "i, i'm, me and mine". turns me into my own frenzy of self irritation.

weird.

the focus is moving. as soon as i move and get settled, i will have more things to talk about..weird neighbors, nala's reaction, how much i like or love my new place, school and all that..

speaking of nala...

i love her so much. she's the best dog. how could she be anything less...she's dude's daughter. aww...he reproduced before me..which i'm not surprised..he had a ride or die and he was old as shit. lol. i'm def proud of him and gingy for producing nala.

zai named her, and her name suits her so well. she's a strange dog that likes to fight like a cat and always have her way. idk what kind of monster i created, but she's not gonna like it whenever a new dog comes into the picture. i was looking into getting a shih tzu puppy, but that's not happening. she can't share a brand new home..not just yet. i think she'd kill me (:..okay not really, but def not like me and i can't handle that right now. i've got enough to worry about right now than my dog hating me cuz i have a new baby...what she doesn't know is that zai is thinking of getting a puppy when he moves in to his place, and when i say thinkingn i mean he IS getting a puppy. she's going to loose her mind. like go bonkers and probably be depressed for a little..extra TLC from mommy (: poor little girl haha. she'll be okay though..just a little sore that she wont be the only sparkle in his kind eye...she'll get over it.

shouts
-b

on my mind...

i'm sitting here just thinking about my life and what it is that i need to accomplish. i have set goals for myself and i will achieve them, but it's the journey that i worry about. i cant just jump without looking. i have to process things and weigh out the pros and cons dogg. i feel like lately everything has been falling a part. i haven't been poetic or even artistic lately. my life is art, music is my inspiration, so what's wrong with me? i haven't come to a decision yet...the good news is that i got a job finally and things are kind of turning around. i would love to say that i have all these people backing me, but to be honest i don't. i have a few people behind me and i'm learning that's all i need. i'm so sick of all the bullshit that is around me. i'm not gonna sugar coat shit either. everything that i've tried to build has fallen a part and for what? to let people in long enough to hurt me. i don't appreciate being lied to, which is ridiculous. how can you lie to someone that is there, someone that can see you, and most importantly someone that knows when she's bein lied to. point made?
i hope so.
now, my current struggle is probably out in the open cuz i can't really trust someone that i trusted with it...it's cool though...i didn't expect much else. there's a reason why friendship doesn't come easy, and why i don't have many "friends". i'm learning that what it takes to be me is effortless because i wake up me and live MY life everyday...it must be amazing because other people are trying it lately. please don't intrude on my life and my passion..i'm about done with it. i can't take much more of this ridiculous behavior. it's time for me to grow up and surround myself with grown ups and i don't mean that i'm not still me and fun and shit..i mean that i'm done with immature bullshit. it's good though people, i have who i need and i'm makin cuts where they need to be.
the most amazing thing that i can say right now is that i'm centered and i know who really knows and cares about me. i'm good.
(=

Inside Here.

Inside here
I'm hollow and pure without silence
Nothing I do can sustain the absence
Inside here
I loathe the existence of what if
Anything familiar or questionable is tragic
Inside here
Selfish creepy parasites feed
I lose want and discover need
Inside here
My search of fear requires loss
I search for truth but ends up false
Inside here

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