such a huge/loaded word..happy.
in treatment yesterday, our team lead-can't remember her name- was really digging deeper into why we're there and what's the underlining reason that put us into the situations that ultimately control our actions. i must admit that i didn't keep it real from the beginning and i think it's because i thought everyone was going to judge me and then i realized this type of group therapy isn't like that at all. everyone took turns releasing the deeper meanings of what led to daily drinking or "using" is the term they'd like us to refer to. digging deep down just made everyone realize that it's pain or acceptance which all leads to one area- emotions.
am i happy? that's one of the questions they want us to ask ourselves as we are gathering with friends and family and again when we go to "use". ironic that zai asked me the same question a few weeks ago. it seems surreal how he can see right through me. if he knew i was writing about him...he'd probably get a little irritated. i don't care though, because he has to know that somewhere in the midst of conversation and bonding that i really look up to him as a strong and talented man. he might be crazy, but so am i, and a little strange and that's some of why i can't handle being unhappy with life when he's around. i often say "for the most part, i'm happy..." blah blah blah..however, i'm not. digging to the deep below..that locked up box inside of my rib cage, built around my heart, has all of my emotions pushed in and it's like a closet bursting with junk. you know what's in there but you don't dare open it because everything it contains will make it's way, in an avalanche fashion, out and all over you. another term..opening up the flood gates. the only reaction that seems to sum up all of it is to just cry. i must admit that this crying thing doesn't help me much these days. at a younger age i could cry all my problems away, but now i have to deal with these problems head-on. another reason growing up sucks! back to where this realization came from..treatment. i ask myself a few questions everyday. let me give you some insight.
am i happy?
what am i doing?
where am i going?
do i need these things?
am i making progress?
what is my process?
why can't i fix this?
why can't i let go?
where did everyone go?
why can't i sleep?
there are times when i feel like all of these questions aren't going to help me at all and then i went to treatment on Saturday and learned that i'm not the only person that goes through this on a daily basis..more than once a day. i knew that, i just needed to accept it and see it. funny because the lead went on to say that she's all about preventative maintenance. which is one of the best terms i've learned in the last two years. i have created a system that reminds me of my priorities and due dates of things n such.. you know a schedule. lol. it helps out my life so much and i don't leave with out it, if i do then i have a simple back up on my phone. i'm hoping i can change my behavior a smidgen so that i can get pass this negative stance in my life.
another focal point? exercise. starting today it's my new addiction. instead of every chance i get to smoke..it's going to be every chance i get to work out. i'm sick all the time and i'm allergic to everything so sitting in the house and not doing much is only going to increase my chances of getting sick when i do want to do things. i notice that every time i get into a routine workout i feel amazing and most of the illness subsides and i just have to deal with the nose..and i feel sluggish and unimportant. i need something to boost my self esteem and drive. i know i don't have time for anything but i do have time for this. this is something i've got to work into my schedule everyday. even if that means only one hour of the two available between work and school is devoted to working out. this is the type of thing we talked about in treatment. making yourself better with the time that you normally spend making yourself in image of where you want to be or to put yourself off.
i really wish i would have brought my homework...
i'm drinking coffee now..probably because i just want to sleep all day long and it's the motivation to stay at work right now, besides the money. lol..i've got to release some of these things to get my world back on it's axis. it's like i've some how messed up the orbit and now it's spinning out of control. what i really need is a canvas..like 16x20 with some nice brushes and some water color...just give me an entire day that i can just release all of this on to that..maybe that's what i really need. because this current tornado of emotions is about to break through my barriers and just tear me apart. i think this could be my birthday present to myself..some supplies..yup. i'm going to look that up today because it's so slow at work.
ONE TIME for my mother who brought me into this world 10 days early so i could enjoy my bday next week! i'm so excited and i hope that this birthday brings some more maturity and ready-ness for a change in my life. i can't wait to just be 21..maybe this will help things with some of my current set backs..
my goal for this week?
in my head i place a goal for each week. this week is to bring balance to all situations in my life. i'm going to see my mom today and i know that will make me feel better..also i have got to put in some extra elbow grease with zai and all these emotions. i can't let the past influence the way i'm handling the present and my current journey to the future. this has got to make sense with what moves i'm making now and it's not happening for me. that's in my hands and i've got to take control. i'm sounding very driven right now and maybe because as i type this i can feel the nervous insecurity with my decsion which makes me want to accomplish this so much. i know that the actions that i've been making aren't the right ones and i need to make a change to salvage what i've accomplished. i need to get rid of this self-destructive place inside of me and hold on to what matters most. deep huh? kinda. lol
thanks for reading..whoever you random non-followers and some of you faithful non followers as well and to those who i hope read.
put god first..
-b
